Harmful Message Good Parents Send Their Kids

We are all a product of our raising and we tend to make decisions involving our own children based on how our parents did it, or the complete opposite of how our parents did it. We will also mix in tidbits we’ve picked up from books, movies, blogs, and friends we’ve observed (or even stragers). In short, most of us are just winging it at the parenting thing. It’s rare to meet a parent who has thought long and hard about the messages they’re sending to their children and its even more rare to think about the messages SOCIETY is sending to our children. Often, we just roll with it cause that’s how its always been. Well, I think it’s time to challenge some of the messages we send children without even realizing it.

Here are some of the most common messages even GOOD parents send their kids that are HARMFUL .

http://feveda.com.ve/mefistofel/2338 You can be anything you want to be.

Whoops! Not true. Unfortunately this is a message sent to our kids via parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, and TV, but it’s one of the biggest lies. No, your child cannot be anything they want to be. My stepson wanted to be an astronaut when he was a little boy. He loooooved space! We took him to NASA Space Center, bought the galaxy stars for is room, and read countless books about space to him; however, we were always honest with him when he talked about wanting to be an astronaut. We told him, “I know you’d really like to be an astronaut, but you were born to two tall parents. Doctor think you will be nearly 7 ft tall and rocketships aren’t built for someone your height and weight”. We then would discuss what other space related careers would be available to him and even invited him to be an engineer and try to design ships for tall space travelers. We’re not doing our kids any favors when we let them think they can be ANYTHING they want to be. We can allow them to pretend and use those active imaginations, but also inject reality and forward thinking to avoid setting them up for failure.

http://gatehousegallery.co.uk/?myka=freeroll-opzioni-binarie&f50=ec I promise.

I have had a rule for working with young children nearly two decades now. I do NOT make promises to kids and I don’t allow them to make promises to me. A promise implies we, as parents, have control when we don’t. When you promise a child, they believe you can do it and nothing can get in your way. Unless you’re the almighty, all powerful, omnipotent being, this is a harmful message to send a child. “I promise I’ll make your play”, or “I promise we’ll go to Doughnut Haven on Sunday” and then you come down with the flu the night of the play or Doughnut Haven is closed for construction. The child then feels lied to. Never make a promise to a child, instead try, “I’ll try my hardest because this is important. I hope nothing gets in our way”, or something similar to remind your child that we are not in control of the universe, nor are they the center of it.

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This is one of the biggest, and in my opinion most detrimental lies we send to children and people. No one was created equal. We were all made to be different and we’re limiting our children’s potential when we tell them we’re all equal, or when we allow everyone a trophy because we all “worked hard”. Let’s be honest, not everyone on the team worked hard. Some never made a single game and sat on their asses during practice watching the grass grow. This kid shouldn’t get a trophy! Some people are weak, dumb, slow, cruel, lazy just like some are strong, gifted, fast, kind, and hardworking. Some people are whole, while others missing limbs or eyes or ears. If  we teach our children that everyone is created equal, we’re not encouraging them to look at people and evaluate them based on character, actions, strengths and weaknesses. I want my child to notice the peer who’s missing their arms and offer to read stories with them or paint a picture for them. I want them to know that if they practice and work hard, they can win at something because it’s possible to be the best. Competition should be encouraged to bring the highest potential out of each child and it can be encouraged in a healthy way.

Computers for stock trading xmas trading Happily Ever After

If you read original excerpts of fairy tales from Grimm’s books, most don’t end with “happily ever after”. In fact, this is one of the cornerstones of The Danish Way, a parenting book that encourages authenticity. The Danish, voted happiest people in the world over forty years, don’t teach happily ever after. They teach fear, sadness, frustration, disappointment, nd even death. This authentic view of the world is accredited for much of their happiness. The children are not shielded from life’s realties, but instead are groomed to cope with it and more importantly, to expect it. Parents, we’re not doing our kids any favors when we teach them life is one big happy ending. It’s not! It’s ups and downs, let downs, disappointments, failures, and hurt. But, by allowing our children to experience these things and providing empathy and love, we can allow them opportunities to learn decision making skills, coping skills, problem solving and logical thinking. We’re raising stronger happier people in the end!

watch Things matter.

This is one of the hardest to recognize you struggle with and the hardest to change! Think of how often we reward, or celebrate, with things. When you go to the doctor’s office, your child a dumdum. After a haircut they’re given a sticker. At the grocery store they’re given “buddy bucks”. Teachers and parents are now using elaborate sticker charts and treasure chests to award children for chores, grades, and behavior, all things that children should be doing because they’re the right thing to do, not because they get a prize. What’s happening is we’re shifting the focus from what feels good (intrinsic motivators) to “what do I get (extrinsic motivators). We’re raising our children to be reward seekers, but we’re also sending the message that joy can be found in “things” rather than within the self.

Even he focus of holidays has shifted towards materialism. Christmas, Valentines, Easter, birthdays and even Halloween for some is celebrated with things, gifts, candies. If we remove the material items from the holiday, we’re left with a focus on family, togetherness, and experiences to enjoy. Imagine Christmas morning after everyone opens A gift, the family makes breakfast together, plays outside, reads a story, and sings songs or has a dance party by the tree. Imagine a birthday celebrated with a silly string fight before school and then telling your child their birth story and all the wonderful things you enjoy learning about them each year. What if we stripped the holidays down and rediscovered the reason for each season? Would we find opportunities for learning and character building?

Our job as parents is not to entertain our children, always keep them happy, or prevent them from learning about the world. This is a very serious undertaking and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. It’s important we take a step back and really think through the messages we send our children and make decisions based on what’s best for them LONG-TERM, and not allow society to influence our parenting choices. Being a good parent in today’s world means being counter-cultural; not being afraid to do things differently.

“If they stare, let them stare. You can’t blend in when you were born to stand out” -Wonder

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Character Development Begins in Infancy

site de rencontre malgache We’ve all observed that parent; the one who appears to think their only purpose as a parent is to keep their child alive. This is the same person who thinks their spouse is a great catch because they don’t cheat on them or beat them and that they have a good job because they haven’t committed suicide by 5:00pm on Friday. I want more out of this gig and I want more for my children. I feel like my duty as a parent is to raise my boys into men of integrity, who live as leaders, and strive to be more like God each day. It’s a heavy undertaking to raise people of character in today’s society, but we, as good people, have an obligation to raise more good people. 

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buy cod Seroquel So, how do we do this and when does it start?

click here INFANCY

Yup, character development can start as early as infancy…neonates even. 

  1. http://metodosalargarpene.es/ebioer/4809 First, protect your child’s eyes and ears. 

Studies show that infants repeat what they’ve seen and heard in their minds for up to 24 hours. It becomes part of their implicit memory, meaning it’s not a concious understanding; however, it still becomes a part of them. So, you may not think your newborn is paying attention or can understand what’s happening when you’re watching The Walking Dead during that late night feeding, but that violence and terror is getting engrained in their mind. Is there someone in your family that thinks it’s funny to make fun of your new baby’s big ears or crooked grin? This is being repeated in their mind over and over again. Think on that a while.

I do my best to be sure I’m surrounding my babies with positive talk, positive facial expressions, positive touch, and positive movement. Even at 4:30 am when they want to be up for the day, I greet them with a warm smile and tell them they’re loved.

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follow 2. Watch for character traits and comment on them

Your child’s developing their personality more and more each day and their character and self-esteem are also developing at a rapid rate. They’re not just drooling, poooping, sleepy blobs. They’re observant, purposeful humans, seeking interaction and feedback.

When one of my boys wails loudly and it startles the other I notice he brings his hands together and takes deep breaths. I let him know I notice his strong coping skills and patience with others. Sometimes his bottom lip quivers because he feels his brother’s emotion and I comment on his empathy.

When they started rolling over and one day they could do it easily, but the next day they struggled, I acknowledged the effort and the ambition. “Today seems harder than yesterday, but I notice you’re not giving up. You have a goal and you’re working hard to achieve it”.

If we’re at the store and they start fussing in the checkout, I thank them happily for praticing patience with others and being understanding that I have other things to take care of at the moment, but I tell them they’re loved and I’ll hold them when I’m able.

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3. Read to them & discuss the stories

I skipped right over those lame baby books of shapes and colors and went straight to books with story lines. I read these books to my boys and discuss what’s being learned. I talk to them about Harold being a problem solver with his purple crayon, Jack’s disobedience of his mother when he sold the cow for beans, and we discuss Red Riding Hood’s naivety. This isn’t just to develop comprehension skills and vocabulary (which it does), but stories and fables are a great way to develop strong character.

4. Model for them

A wise parent knows that children learn more from what they see others do than what they are told to do so model for them how to behave. I once had a violent student in my kindergarten classroom and I asked the mother about home life so I could get a better understanding of the child’s needs. She said, “He’s never been exposed to any anger or violence at all. Not since his dad left. His dad used to throw tantrums and break everything around him, but that was all before he was two years old”. Too late! The child may have had some hereditary predisposition to violence; however, much of what he was doing could also have been learned behavior in his implicit memory from observing his dad as an infant. It’s important to be aware of how you interact with others in front of your new baby. Think about your mannerisms, your tone of voice…your actions will become their actions sooner or later.

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Babies are capable of so much more than we give them credit for. It used to be believed that infants couldn’t feel pain, but now that seems ludacris, right? Many people mistakenly think that what we say and do around babies, and to babies, doesn’t have an impact on them because they “don’t remember”, but current research says the opposite. They do remember! Everything becomes a part of them. Take advantage of these early years, this crucial period of development, where our children are sponges, and start gearing them towards a positive mindset and raising people of character.

Stay gold, 

Chelsea Vail

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How I’m Surviving the 4month Sleep Regression


If you haven’t heard of the dreaded four month sleep regression, you either don’t have children, have one too young (just you wait), or you birthed a unicorn child that was able to avoid it. I have not been so lucky so as a public service I’ve decided to let you mamas in on how I’m surviving the regression times two. 

vail twins cash and cannon

First of all, I’m not.

I tricked you into reading this post by letting you think I’m surviving it, but I’m really not. Each evening at 7pm I shiver in fear wondering what the next 12 hours might have in store for me. And all night long I cry to myself feeling like a failure as a “baby expert” and sleep guru. But, each morning at 4, 5, or 6am depending on when I finally throw in the towel and get up, I stumble into the kitchen where I fill a vat with coffee and chug it like a frat boy the morning after bid day. There’s tip #1 I guess…coffee. Part of my evening routine is to prepare my coffee and set it to go off in the wee morning hours so it’s ready when I am.

Second, go the eff to sleep when they do. 

I’ve embraced an early bedtime since the twins were born and I couldn’t see straight after 7pm. Some nights I try to party like a rock star and stay up until 8:30 or even 9 to spend time with my husband, but the next morning I have visions of stabbing him in his sleep because I’m so tired and this negates the romance (Tosh.O watching party) of the night before. Yes, my marriage is important to me; however, I prefer to meet him for a midday meal after my gallon of coffee and catch up then. We’ve had plenty of conversations about our time together and he realizes this is a short period in our lives where he’s taking third place. He understands the babies need me 100% right now and he’s supportive. Thank the Lord I didn’t marry a selfish man. So, like I said, go to sleep when they do. Most babies have their longest stretch of sleep up front so if I’m able to get down at 7:00pm, I might get to sleep until 10 or even 11. This may be all you get so cherish it!

cash and cannon, vail twins

Third, throw everything you know out the window.

If I only had one baby I would feed them only every 3-4 hours overnight and if they woke up in between that time I would quietly soothe them back to sleep in hopes of teaching them it’s not time for food yet. With two babies, this is damn near impossible. I sleep while nursing, I let them sleep in bed with me, I hold them while they sleep from time to time. Last night I even let Cash play with one hand while I used the other to hold the effing pacifier in Cannon’s mouth and I attempted to sleep in plank position across he bed with my legs hanging halfway off the mattress.

Let me walk you through it. We go down at 7:00pm as a team.

10:00pm Cash wakes up, but Cannon is still passed out. I decide to feed Cash since it’s been 3 hours.

11:00pm, Cannon wakes up at 11 for food, which disturbs Cash. Cash won’t go back to sleep without being nursed again so I nurse both.

1:00am, Cash wakes up because technically he had his best feed at 10am and his breast wasn’t full for the 11pm feed so he’s hungry again. Feed him.

2:00, Now Cannon wakes up at because he ate at 11pm. Feed Cannon.

3:30 am Cash wakes up just for kicks. Rock, soothe, pat him down. Now it’s 3:30am and I try to go back to sleep.

4:15 am rolls around and Cash can’t figure out how to transition into his new “adult” sleep cycle. Pat, rock, soothe, but he’s so pissed off he won’t go back to sleep and I’m fearful he’ll wake up Cannon. I’m so tired, angry, and frustrated that I pull him next to me and finally decide to let him nurse while I try to sleep without rolling over and suffocating him at 5am.

5:30am, Cannon is up ready to eat again and I have to wake Cash up in order to get into position to feed Cannon, too. Now both boys are too stimulated (and rested) to go back to sleep so we all get up at 6am and start the day.

6:00am, I yell the F word to myself through a loving mother’s smile and stumble to the kitchen for coffee.

chelsea vail with son cash

The point is, there are no rules during this fourth month of hell. Bloggers and sleep trainers will advise not to get into bad habits and hell, I’ve given that advice myself, but this was before I experienced it myself times two! I would much rather just get through this time, try to get as much sleep as I can, whether that means nursing on demand or holding them while we sleep, and then break those bad habits later.

As tough as this mini phase is, I love the baby breath and warm lips on my neck in the mddle of the night. I love Cash’s soft chubby hand smacking my face while he fights sleep. When Cannon wails for food, I know he’s screaming for me and knowing I have what he needs to feel safe, calm, and satisfied is a powerful feeling. So, I guess, that’s how I’m surviving the four month sleep regression. I’m trying to focus on the beautiful parts. I’m looking for joy in every challenging moment and it’s not hard to find.

Stay gold, 

That Girl

cannon vail, vail twins

Binxy Baby: My Newest Obsession

Anyone who says newborn twins are tough has never dealt with four month old twins. In my opinion, newborn twins are a cakewalk. Six month and up twins are a cakewalk, but this 3-6 month area is funky town! They’re too alert to sleep through car rides and outings anymore, but not quite alert enough to stay chill for an extended period of time. They’re too big to be held or worn simultaneously, but too small to sit up on their own. This makes “quick trips” to the store or shopping damn near impossible. In fact, after one trip to HEB where they both melted down half way through the store I considered sitting in a center aisle and rocking back and forth until someone came to my aid. 

Luckily, I discovered the Binxy Baby! Life is good again!

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The Binxy Baby is a shopping cart hammock that clips onto the shopping cart and allows baby to lay in it peacefully kicking and cooing while you shop. At first I didn’t think I needed this product because my stroller had such a great storage space underneath; however, let me walk you through a trip to the grocery store using a stroller instead of the Binxy Baby.

First, you start with both babies in the stroller happily browsing fruits. Baby A begins to fuss, but no need to fret because you packed your ACK Wrap so you decide to wear Baby A and utilize his seat for more groceries. Problem solved right? Nope. Then Baby B decides to scream. You try a pacifier and every other trick in the book but it doesn’t work. baby B now wants to be held but you can’t hold him because you’re wearing Baby A. So, set Baby A down to grab B? Nope. There’s no where to set A because his seat is filled with food now. Let the rocking back and forth in the center aisle commence.

Another issue with using the stroller is the bending down to place groceries, bending down to put them on the…the…thingamajig I can’t think of the name for because I’m sleep deprived to pay for them, and then where do you put the bags to make it out to your car?

Vail Twins Binxy Baby

Now, let’s walk through a trip with the Binxy Babies. Pull up to the store and park next to the doohickie where carts are stored. Grab a cart and snap the Binxy Babies onto the sides. Put Baby A in one and walk around to put Baby B in the other. Into the store you go! Now you’re browsing veggies and Baby A freaks out. Pick him up and soothe him or wear him. Baby B starts to panic. No worries, just set Baby A back in the hammock and grab Baby B. Repeat as necessary until shopping is complete.

I can also attest to the fact that my babies are significantly happier shopping in the Binxy Babies. I think they like being out of the hot carseats, but they also like laying face up at an incline so they can observe things around them. Not to mention they get ogled and flirted with by all the old ladies and passersby.

The hammocks take up the whole top of the cart when you need two, but the fabric is stretchy and allows you to easily drop groceries in between the two and into the cart. The bags can go underneath or hang on the sides, but I always ask for assistance getting out anyway so that I can load the groceries and start the car while the attendant loads groceries in the trunk. Never turn down free help when you’ve got twins right?!

Vail twins, Binxy babies

I will cherish these Binxy Babies and will gladly pass them on to another twin mom when my boys sadly, but surely, outgrow them.

Stay Gold, 

That Girl

“Here’s What You Have to Look Forward To”

Ever since my preggo bump started showing (at about 9 weeks, lol), people have been using the phrase, “here’s what you have to look forward to”. I hear this from friends, family, and complete strangers. I hear it even more now that I’m a new mom, especially when my babies are sleeping blissfully in the stroller.

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The person who says this is almost always referring to something super stressful.

Sitting at The Cheesecake Factory with my husband, my bump nearly touching the table, and there’s a family next to us with their two toddlers. One is refusing to eat his meal and the other is screaming uncontrollable because the wind blows. Both parents look exhausted and ready to kill themselves and their children. They look over at us and laugh, “Here’s what you have to look forward to”.

A young boy at Target doesn’t want to put the toy away at his mother’s request. She insists and he bucks back at her. He throws down the toy and screams at the top of his lungs, “you’re the meanest mommy ever!” She rolls her eyes and says, “Here’s what you have to look forward to”.

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At Whole Foods, I’m wheeling my sleeping babies through the salad line and I see a six year old loading buckets of cheese onto his salad before his mom notices. She gasps and catches my eye, “Ugh! Here’s what you have to look forward to”.

My sister texts me a photo of my nephew after he paints himself with his food pouch in the car and is beyond pleased with his artwork. The comment? “Here’s what you have to look forward to”.

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Seriously? As if I got pregnant completely unaware of the fact that there will be tough times. My husband and I have co-parented his sixteen year old son for the past twelve years and more days than not he’s a total butthead. We didn’t decide to be parents in the vain hope that our child would sleep straight through the night, eat gourmet foods, have the manners of a royal heir, and never throw tantrums. We knew what we were getting into.

I know what I have to look forward to!

I now can look forward to smiles in the middle of the night. I can look forward to seeing them take their first steps. I can look forward to laughing at the face they make when they first try a lemon. I can look forward to their first day of kindergarten. What about that phone call from a teacher that my child helped the new kid in class? I can hardly wait to lay next to them all night rubbing their back when they’re sick. Oh, and what about Saturday mornings piled into bed with doughnuts watching cartoons? Or the day they run in and tell me they were chosen as the STAR helper for next week. Graduation! Making a soccer goal! Talent show! Spelling bee! Wedding day! The list goes on and on and on. I knew what I was missing before I became a parent and trust. I know what I have to look forward to.

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Organizing for Two: Moms with Multiples

I started taking care of twins when I was 15 years old. I think I’ve cared for 5-6 sets of twins long term and now I’m expecting my own (what what?!). Twins are a piece of cake IF you’re prepared so lemme let you in on my secrets for staying sane as a mom of multiples (including twosies).

 First, I’ve had this book about “juggling twins” and I have to advise all moms of twins to AVOID reading this book if you’re at all antsy about your fate as a twin mom. This book will definitely scare you into thinking your life as you know it is over and that’s just not the case. It was very overdramatic regarding the little things like space, sleep, toys, clothes, and even outings with twins. Don’t listen to the nonsense; you’ll be fine. In fact, I totally think twins are easier than two kids of different ages.

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Hear me out:

Twins have the same schedule, same bedtime, bathtime, feeding time and will always go to the same school and likely the same afterschool activities.

Twins wear the same size clothes and diapers and drink from the same size bottles.

Twins play together and entertain one another because they’re at the same age and developmental level.

They have the same carseat type, same bed, same potty, same stroller (with no extra adaptors).

That being said, it does take SERIOUS organization to be a mom to twins ESPECIALLY birth to three. After that, you should only need a planner, a few organization apps, and a family calendar. But, for the baby stages:

1) Utilize RIGHT and LEFT

Whether your twins are identical or fraternal, you will inevitably forget who ate what, who you changed, who spit up, who napped the longest, etc unless you take advantage of the photographic memory we all have. Think about it, when you’re trying to remember something, even if you’re sleep deprived, you try to picture it in your head right? Well, if you keep the same twin on the right or always on the left at all times, then when you’re trying to remember which twin did what, all you have to do is picture it and you’ll know it was the baby on the right/left which means it was ______________.

For example, I worked with IDENTICAL twin girls once overnight. Charlotte was always in the crib on the right, the bouncer on the right, the swing on the right. If, and when, she needed medicine, I always put it in the bottle on the right because I knew that would be the bottle I gave her since she was always on the right. Trust me, this is GENIOUS!

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2) Hit up the Container Store

Raise your hand if you carry your diaper bag everywhere? If that’s the case, you likely don’t have twins. It can be damn near impossible to keep up with a diaper bag, a purse, and two babies. My suggestion is to put the necessities in your purse (2 diapers and a travel pack of wipes and an emergency bottle). The rest stays in a three tiered container in the trunk of your car. You have twins, therefore I KNOW you have an SUV. If not, run don’t walk directly to the dealership and buy one.

In this 3 tiered container you have: 

Top: lifetime supply of diapers, wipes, creams, powders, wet bags, and a changing mat. You change babies in the trunk when you’re out and about because you can NOT change two babies on a wobbly changing table at a store.

Middle: emergency bottles, formula (even if you’re nursing, just have some on hand), pacifiers, snacks, motrin, neosporin, bandaids, bibs, sunscreen, and whatever else MacGyver would have needed to save the world.

Bottom: 2-3 changes of clothes including hats, extra socks, and hoodies or jackets. Even if you live somewhere hot, you’ll find yourself at an ice cold restaurant with two screeming babies because they’re freezing their tushies off and you won’t be prepared. That would suck.

Double this in your partner’s car AND grandma’s car (or your sitter’s car) for bonus points.

3) Start a filing system AND journal for both INDIVIDUALLY

Twins will likely get called, “Hey you!” most of their lives whether they’re identical or fraternal, unless they’re boy girl, but you as the mama can do your part to establish sense of self and individuality as much as possible. So, my suggestion to you is to get two pocket filing folders, 2 journals, and 2 photo albums/scrapbooks.

Pocket Folders: these are those accordian folders you can get at an office supply store. Label the front with each baby’s name and/or photo and then label the pockets with things such as medical records, birth certificate, vaccinations, report cards, awards, annual photos, etc. Store each child’s info in these because eventually they’ll have separate lives and you won’t want to rummage through one big folder to find who was allergic to what and who got the failing reports in pre-K reading, etc. You’ll want each records accessible and individualized.

Journals: This is mainly for the baby stage, but this will help you keep track of each person’s sleeping, feeding, and pooping patterns, and communicate with other caregivers whether that’s your spouse, friends, family, or hired help.

Photo Albums: They’ll each want to flip through their own album and their own scrapbook to see photos of themselves and over time you’ll forget which one it was that covered themselves in maple syrup at breakfast or which one you caught playing in the toilet. If they’re identical, start scrapping early and make an effort to keep up as they grow.

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Having twins is a HUGE blessing! I’ve always been fascinated my twins and I’d rather not think of them as a “handful”, but rather as “hell yeah, double the fun!” 

Stay gold Ponyboy, 

That Girl