I only watch UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) when my favorite fighter, George St. Pierre is fighting (because he’s incredibly hot), but I often use the catch phrase “tap out” that came from UFC. Or, at least in my 31 year old, naive, female brain it did. When a fighter “taps out” by tapping on the mat, it’s his signal that he’s had enough and is giving up to the other fighter. This in no way makes him a wuss, but it means he’s acknowledging that he has no moves left and he’s been beat. That’s me, I’m tapping out. I’m in a headlock, back on the mat, legs contorted, running out of air and I’m exhausted. TAP OUT.
I’ve been blogging about my infertility journey for the last year and it took major guts to put it out there in the first place. I’ve loved the support, but I also got really tired of answering the question, “When are you going to have kids?” and having to fake a smile when I answered, “We’re just enjoying being married,” when inside I was falling apart. That question now causes my internal volcano to heat up and one day, some sweet old church lady in a big hat is gonna catch the eruption when she asks me that. Just wait! It’ll be an epic response!
Anyway, like I said, I’m tapping out. I’m not giving up. I intend on continuing the meds, the hormones, the shots, the IUIs, and the tears until either my body gives out, my husband throws in the towel, or my doctor says there’s no use. So, don’t misunderstand, tapping out is not giving up on having a baby; however, I am tapping out on optimism and hope. Call it being a “negative Nancy”, but I call it self-preservation.
I can no longer hear these phrases from anyone:
- “So, was this month a success?”
- “How’s the baby making going?”
- “Where are you at this month?”
- “Your time will come”.
- “We could be planning your shower soon!”
- “What if you have twins?”
I LOVE answering these questions usually (with my close friends), but it also hurts really, really, really badly when I find out the answers are:
- “No, this month wasn’t it”.
- “Well, baby making still isn’t my forte, but thanks for asking”.
- “I’m at the point of despair and self-loathing, you?”
- “How do you know my time will come? Are you God? Cause if so, we need to talk!”
- “You won’t be planning my shower for 6 months to 6 years to never, so…”
- “What if I have twins? What if I never have a baby ever? How’s that?!”
I’m really tired of feeling like I have to be positive when, realistically, this very well may not be in the cards for me. I have to acknowledge that or I’ll drive myself crazy. I’m tapping out on positivity.
My sister told me she’s having a baby boy this December and I can hardly wait to have a nephew. We have no boys in our family and he’ll be the first, just like she was the first born and her daughter was the first grandchild. Do I sound jealous? Let’s call it middle child syndrome instead. It’s a lifetime of feeling second at everything.
I’m happy for my sister (seriously, I am) and I adore my niece so much that when her chubby hand touches my face in her sleep I feel, my heart explodes into tiny little pieces of love that do the cha-cha all around us; however, it doesn’t hurt any less to watch my sister’s joy when I’m hurting so badly. She revealed the baby’s gender to us in a cupcake on Tuesday. I used to love cupcakes. Now, not so much. I bit into it and saw the blue icing and felt my stomach drop at the same time. I felt so torn; like I should be happy for her, but I was hurting, too. Ever choked back tears with a mouth full of blue icing? It’s awesome! It’s almost like choking back tequila induced vomit at a work party. You realize that if you let it go, you will regret it forever! I wanted to give my sister the joyous reaction she needed from me, but like I said, I’m out of moves. All I could do was choke down the tears (and the icing).
It’s better for me, moving forward, that I just take every day as it comes and pretend as if I don’t care at all. Day 1 I’ll call the doctor, Day 3 I’ll have an ultrasound and get my prescriptions. I’ll take these day 3-7 and then on days 7-10 I’ll give myself the injections. I’ll go in to the doctor on day 11 for an ultrasound and lab work. I’ll do the trigger shot that day and wait 36 hours before the IUI. I’ll do the IUI and have mind-numbing cramps for about 24hours and remain in the fetal position begging for mercy. Then, I’ll wait two weeks to find out whether or not this month was “it”. I will do this continuously, over and over again until I have what I’ve wanted my whole life- what everyone tells me I was “meant” to have.