I wrote a blog on Monday that I deleted shortly after publishing and I never do that, but it was angry, bitter, and hateful, which is NOT like me at all. As I wrote it though I felt powerful; like putting my anger out there for the world to read would somehow accomplish something, but all it did was make me feel worse.
But on Monday, I was angry.
I went over to my best friend’s house for dinner that night thinking it would be just like every other Monday. Dinner, wine, The Bachelor, and catching up on life. I was wrong. Both her and her husband had an agenda that night. It was to call me out on my anger. Truth is, since getting the diagnosis of “infertile”, I’ve let anger slowly, but surely, consume me. I try to fight it with optimism, but then disappointment follows, which quickly transforms right back to anger.
After three years of fighting the anger, sadness, confusion, and disappoinment, I had finally lost the battle and hearing from my best friends that they missed the old me was eye opening.
The very next day, my loving husband sat me down and held his own, “come to Jesus” meeting with me. He told me I was losing myself and putting “us” at risk. He was right. I’d turned into an Eeyore! I’ve wanted nothing more than a family my whole life, but I’ve been allowing my desire for a baby to consume my life at the risk of losing friends, family and self.
My husband then volun-told me for a 90 day break. He asked/told me to stop all things medical and fertility related for 90 days and find myself again. No pills, no shots, no procedures, no doctor’s visits, no acupuncture, etc. for 90 days. At first I was sad because I felt like I was being told to quit by the person I needed on board the most, but then I was just relieved! I get a break without feeling like I’m giving up!
For these next 90 days I’m searching for my “happy” again.
- I’ll face time my niece and nephew and record myself reading stories to them
- I’ll do zumba like a boss 3 days a week without worrying about twisting my ovaries
- I’ll finally pay OFF debts and med bills I’ve accumulated
- I’ll eat whatever I want because I won’t have “infertile bloat” to battle
- I’ll try a pole dancing fitness class and a trapeze class with girlfriends
- I’ll fill my calendar with events, not obligations
- I’ll throw myself into building my client load and growing my business
- I’ll tackle some DIY projects on our house
- I’ll increase my speed and distance as a runner again
- I’ll take hot baths and get massages
- I’ll try new restaurants around the city
- I’ll enjoy my coffee in the rocking chairs on my porch
- I’ll work on getting my pre-fertility body back!
- I’ll hang out with my husband and enjoy his company without having a hidden agenda
For 90 days I won’t have to worry about being anywhere at a certain time on a certain day. I won’t have to worry about what this appointment will cost me. I won’t find out good news just to have it quickly followed by bad news and I won’t have to eat or drink nasty things just because they’re supposed to have “super powers” for fertility. I’m free for 90 days!
Boom, baby! I’m finding my happy again already!