Diary of an Infertile: Week 1

Laprascopy SurgeryI’ve reached a point where I’m equally tired of hearing, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” and having to say, “You have no idea what I’m going through” so I’ve decided to write what I actually go through, and have been going through for the last 27 months now.

Here’s how it starts. I start nearing the end of the ever so long “two week wait’, or what onbonxious inertility forums refer to as the 2WW, and I come to realize this month wasn’t “it” for me because I have learned over the last two years what “not pregnant” feels like. It feels exactly the same as I’ve always felt; however, because the idea of peeing on a stick and actually watching a plus sign show up is so thrilling, I take a pregnancy test anyway. Nope, not pregnant, again. Beer, anyone?

July 5th 11:00 am: This is my neice’s 1st birthday and I go to post “Happy Birthday” on facebook and realize this is the same neice that was born after I’d already been trying over a year. Hmmm, put that in your pipe and smoke it…

July 6th 7am: Check facebook and see my friend’s daughter and realize she’s starting to look like a kid rather than a toddler because she’s almost 2 and 1/2 years old. She was 3 months old when I told her mom we were trying to get pregnant. Has it been that long?

July 7, 8:00 am: Check facebook and see photos of 4 brand new babies born to my friends. Ha, how strange is it that 3 out of the 4 of them weren’t even trying? It just happened.

I decide to cancel facebook and throw my phone into my pool before getting an intervening thought, “But when you actually get pregnant you’ll want to let everyone know and share your journey on facebook.” So…I keep facebook.

Get out of bed, start my cycle. This is known as “DAY 1“. Now, for most women this means you need to check under the sink for ahem…supplies, but not me. I have to call a grown ass man that’s not my husband, nor is he related to me, and notify him (and his team) that I’ve started my cycle. This used to be weird, but it’s so normal now that I made the phone call while cooking breakfast and simultaneously checking emails. The words just flow, no pun intended.

4:00 pm Meet a friend at the mall and get a phone call while shopping to let me know my prescriptions have been called in, I set up my day 3 ultrasound AND my day 11 ultrasound and choose the specialty Rx to order my injections from. I turned to my friend and said, “And so it begins” and I yearn for the days when I could just shop without being reminded that I’m infertile. I’m also reminded of sitting in the Ferregamo store with my little sister this past December watching her purchase a $400 pair of shoes while I’d just gotten the call to pay $400 for my injections. Memories sometimes suck.

July 8, 9:30 am: Go to a BodyJam class and dance my ass off because I know that next week I’ll be growing 5-6 follicles and my ovaries will be at risk for twisting due to the weight. This means only light walking and yoga…walking is for the birds. I’m not a bird.

July 9, 9:30 am: Go to my doctor for an ultrasound and the nurses smile and say, “Hey, Chelsea, how’s it going?” I adore them for being so sweet, but I hate that we have this familiar of a relationship. In fact, the synographer doesn’t even tell me to undress from the waist down because she knows I know the routine. She kindly laughs and says, “Ha, I’ll bet you could do your own ultrasound”. During the ultrasound I learn there’s nothing wrong. If they’d actually found cysts, then my insurance would’ve paid the bill, but because there’s no cysts this month, it’s a whopping $250 because I’m healthy. I’m glad there’s no cysts, but really? Explain this logic to me.

11:00am: I get a call from the specialty Rx notifying me to be home between the hours of 8am-5pm tomorrow for my injections to be delivered. Ha, and you thought waiting on the cable man sucked?!

Zumba rooftop12:00pm Zumba because this is the last week my body belongs to me, not science.

2:00pm Pick up the pills at the Rx, $144. Listen politely to the pharmacist go over the instructions because she doesn’t realize these pills have been apart of my life the way insulin is part of a diabetic’s for as far as I can remember now.

7:00 pm Pour a glass of wine knowing I can’t enjoy wine after this week. I also can’t take hot baths or showers, eat sushi or tuna, drink herbal tea, or do a REAL workout.

8:00 pm Take 2 pills and know that there’s soon to be an instant headache, rapid weight gain & bloating, nausea, increased appetite, and drowsiness. I’ll take these every night for the next 5 days at the exact same time.

I’m going to watch Game of Thrones now, although the synographer worried it may be too stressful of a show for me to watch given my “circumstances”. I promised to only watch it this week and switch to mind numbing, stress-less TV next week. This is only DAY 3.

July 10 7:30 am Wake up early to work with my “boss” and wonder if today will be too stressful. I try not to stress about avoiding stress.

8:30am Get a phone call from a student loan debt collector (Ha, I guess it won’t be my boss that raises my stress level today)

2:00 pm Pick up my injections that were delivered at my gate. Put the alcohol pads and needles in my pure, add the pre-filled capsule to my injection pen, add the ovidrel to the case in the fridge. Feel sad for a moment…move on. Shake it off.

InfertilityCollage

5:00 pm Check Austin Area Birth Center website for a contact’s email, see a cute baby, almost cry, but don’t. Realize I’m making progress.

Work heavily and hard until 7:00 pm…think, “I’ll never get pregnant if I don’t slow down”. Pour a glass of wine. STOP.

8:00 pm Take my 2 pills, rub my ear lobes, talk to my belly, picture swirls of pink AND blue filling my uterus, (because imagery is powerful) and commit to relax for the rest of the day.

July 11: Relax all day, lay in the pool, talk positively to myself, cry for a bit, then stop.

July 12 12:00 pm, meet my husband and stepson for lunch. Try not stay calm even though the both of them are short tempered with me and each other. I take multiple trips to the restroom to talk myself down from being irritated. Other’s stress becomes my stress and then I stress about not stressing.

Rest all afternoon, then go out that night to an 80’s themed skate party! I skated with my friends and smile bigger than I’ve smiled in awhile & I tell myself how blessed I am to have friends, my husband, such a fun life!80s Skate Party

 

Sunday, July 13: Sleep in, meet friends for lunch, shop, stroll, laugh, love, relax. Tell myself I’m meant for motherhood.

8:00 pm: Take 2 pills. Get ready for the first injection (this month)

THE SHOT: Take the pack out of the fridge, attach the needle, switch the dial to 75mg, clean your stomach with alcohol, pinch your fat, insert the needle at a 45degree angle, and push the medicine in. Watch your belly bloat with disgust, but picture your growing family with hope.

 It hurts, but not as badly as the pain of an empty womb. I can feel it empty, aching to hold my baby(ies).

 

 

3 thoughts on “Diary of an Infertile: Week 1

  1. Carolyn says:

    A sorority no one wants to be in. Thank you for sharing. I hate injections, ultrasounds and periods as much as you! Hugs!!

  2. Jennifer says:

    Hi, my name is Jennifer, I have spent the night doing research and somehow discovered your blog. I never write comments or things on anything online because I never feel the need but I wanted to tell u that u r a rockstar. Reading ur words tonight has given me hope that there are other people who understand the pain of watching the people in ur life discover the joys of growing a child. I wanted to tell u that I will keep u in my prayers and hope with all my heart that u are able to conceive soon.
    All the best,

  3. Morgaine Church says:

    I do know how sick you must be of everyone telling you that… they certainly do not know how I feel and I would not want them too have to feel it, I feel this for you too. The hole inside your dream for this love you are carrying for your babies must be as big as the one that gets left when they are gone. I miss and love you and wish only for this dream to come true…. i wish it with the 1,000 rainbows you once gave me and it has been a constant prayer!!

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